The Letter Elle

"To live in hearts we leave behind Is not to die." ~Thomas Campbell, "Hallowed Ground"

2011-12-11T11:31:00.000-08:00

In the most loving memory...

The very beloved and cherrished Uncle Frank.

Let me please tell you what he was in our lives... or rather what he will always be.

Frank Horn is a great man. He is a man with an incredibly infectious laugh. A man who you can talk to and believe he hears you. A man that praises you for the artist you are and sees you for the artist you can be. A man that loves game of golf, a glass of German beer, a late night jam session, a funny picture, a great soccer match, a well-told story, a history lesson, and a beautifully designed building. A man that finds the right words when other don't know what to say. A man who hugs you so well that you keep feeling that love for the rest of that day. He is a man that put family first, second, and third.
And he is a man that will always be loved and always be missed.

From a personal point:
My brothers and I don't have grandparents on earth. Our family moved a lot when we were younger and we really didn't know our extended family. But that never stopped the bond we had with the Horn family. Wherever we lived, whatever important life event there was, and whenever we made it back to our hometown... they were their.
I can recall most recently adult life, Uncle Frank and his family were there for My 21st birthday, my farewell concert when I left for Seattle, and they even came to say goodbye before I left for Japan. Even I can smile about the facebook he sent me about coming home during the earthquake because he loved me that much.
When I was little, Uncle Frank married My Aunt Judy (my dad's sister). As a child I though his name was Franken since everyone called them Frank 'n Judy. (Uncle Franks Mom always likes to tell me this story)
I have so many memories of him that I can recall that bring a smile and a tear... but what I really think of...
I think of the amazing house Uncle Frank and Aunt Judy built and the even more amazing family they built together. Renee and Will are...well there just aren't enough praise and kind words I can say about these kids and the incredible people they will surely continue to be as they grow up and make their mark in the world.
Hearts, love, and prayers go out to my family at this time. I wish I could be with you now but I will close my eyes and hope that you can feel my hugs all the way from Japan.

I love you all.
I love you Uncle Frank

Hanabi Night: My best night in Japan

2011-08-14T10:09:00.000-07:00

Ok so not to sound like a Disney movie, but dreams do come true sometimes.

This happens to be my vacation week and I have had a great time relaxing, going to the gym, having my own photoshoot, and spending time with my sweetheart.

But what was the best part and probably the best day I have had in Japan.

I went to see the Fireworks (Hanabi)

In the summer, the japanese have summer festivals where just about every weekend you can go see hanabi. There is wonderful japanese foods, bright colours and lights, and people wearing yukatas (they are like the summer kimono, but are closer to cloth bathrobes in material). The yukatas come in so many colours and patterns and I have never seen two the same. They have a yukata for any style and person. They are for both boys and girls, but look every different. And many girls go all out when wearing them.

And me, the tall, blonde, lanky foreigner got to take place in this wonderful and beautiful tradition.
Moe and Daichi, our friends in Tokyo, told us about this firework/samba festival in Saitama. I told them how wonderful that sounded and I have always wanted to see the fireworks in japan in a yukata.
Being they are the kindest people I know, they said we should all go.

Thanks to Moe, I could find the perfect yukata. With help, I ordered it, and Moe set up a salon appointment for our hair and dressing for our yukata.
The salon staff didnt speak English so we did our best to talk to each other with my broken japanese, but lucky we could understand each other, and they did a beautiful high french braid with side curls. It was super painful getting it perfect, but totally worth it. For finishing touch we added a white jewled hair flower.

Next it was time to get on the yukata. It was so much more complicated than I thought, and a little painful, but again totally worth it.
Under the yukata you wear a slip and then they put on the robe. Its first tied around your waist once. Then they fold the top of the robe to give it that crossed look on the front, and give you material around the middle for the up and coming obi (big middle ribbon). Next they put another tie. Then like a plastic card on the middle to keep the ribbon hard. Then a thicker ribbon to hold it on. Then the obi goes on. I had a tsukiobi, which is the pre-tied bow. so basically the middle is somewhat corset like, but corsets are more painful I think. Then you can decorate the obi with accessories. Moe gave me a beautiful red ribbon for mine.

Next are those sandals. They are called geta, and if you think they are hard to walk in, then you are right. However, they didnt hurt my feet at all. I have more trouble in high heals than getas. The yukata and geta cause you to take rather small steps. the shoes are worn too small for your feet and have a slant on the back. you can get other ones, but these are the classic style.

All dressed up with the hair, the yukata, the summer makeup, the glittery nails, the jeweled toenails, big pink CZ earrings, and the little pink heart bag, I felt beautiful. I mean really beautiful. Last time I felt that way was 11 years ago, junior prom. Of course, the attention in the salon was a little much, everyone was looking at me and saying cute or beautiful in japanese. It made me super shy.

Of course my friend Moe was just amazingly beautiful in her yukata. she looked like a dream girl from a japanese movie. Her yukata was perfect and hair was amazing! I was honored to be there with such a beautiful woman and I was honored to be part of this tradition.

we walked home. When we got there the boys said how great we looked and I think my sweetie was surprised. Moe explained that its all kinda a painful process, the hair and the yukata. Kosuke said "oh it must be hard then" I said "yeah, but women always do stuff like this. and when your boy says how you look cute, suddenly you forget the pain that and smile. at least I feel that way" he said "oh! I got it. Honey you look very cute. beautiful" hahaha he is a great guy (but he had already said that before).

Before we left, I gave Moe a pink flower for her pink bag. She gave me a hello kitty folding fan! Then we left and picked up Sayuri for the fireworks. We rode in Daichi's super cool car!
It was hard sitting in the car and I got sleepy. I couldn't relax because of ribbon, but it was ok since i was so excited to be going. And we went to Seibuen, which was like a hello kitty theme park! How wonderful!!!!

All these pictures were taken by other people. They said they wanted me to have fun and not worry about pictures. Again, they are the sweetest people ever. We got there and we got the special area tickets, the Beer garden. Special seats, all the free drinks, a big tray of yummy summer food and close seats to the samaba dancers. (who have the most amazing backsides in the world!) We walked down the stairs and kosuke was holding my hand helping me. I felt like a princess. It was so great. And about firework time the weather got cooler.

This day as special viewing day, so they fireworks were a one time showing. they were great and some i had never seen done. If you know me, than you know how much I love fireworks. Shiny, bright, colourful... who doesnt love that! I have some of the best life memories during fireworks, and it is the only memory I have of my Grandpa Harris. Watching fireworks at the station with him.

They played desperado by the eagles, which made me all teary eyed. I think the reason I felt that way was not that I missed the USA, but that I could be a world away and still feel as happy as I did then.
But rather than in the US, where fireworks means the end, the park stayed open and we got to play fun games (i won this light stick which I call my raving harry potter wand), go on rides (well kosuke did), and eat soda flavored dip n dots. I felt like I was in a J-drama or a Japanese movie.

Great friends, great food, great music, beautiful clothes, beautiful fireworks, laughing, dancing, smiling.... If I had to guess what heaven is, I would say that its just like that. God I hope with all my heart it is.

(photos by Daichi)

One year in Japan

2011-07-07T05:37:00.000-07:00

Its been one year. A year since I said packed up to my home in Kirkland, walked the streets of Seattle, danced my friends in Portland, laughed with my cheerleaders in Renton, played "what time is it Mr. Wolf" in Bellevue, ran with my puppy in Juanita, drove across the US with my cousin, hugged my best friend in Charlotte, shared stories and fireworks with my family in Salisbury, and waved goodbye to my parents at the airport.

And what I have I done in the last year? Here is the recap because i really fell behind in my updates

My first time off the plane I was greeted by rain and humidity like i never known. But I was still excited. That first week was emotional. extreme highs and lows as I trained for a job I wasn't sure I could do, in a country I couldn't talk in. no internet or phone except a limited time in the evening. all while I was dying to get to Tokyo to see my boy. But, my spirits were high and its what kept me hanging on.

After a wonderful reunion with my love, I spent the next few months trying to adjust. I was very happy with my school and loved that I was only 40 min from Tokyo.

I was able to see my old friend Yuri from UNCC. She was as wonderful as I remember. And I was able to meet some pretty amazing people here. I met Jacque. a teacher from another school who gave me so much support and love in our friendship that i could feel normal again. I met Moe (Mo-ae). She has an incredible kind heart and gives me more patients than I deserve. We study language together, which is always great because we speak english, japanese and french. I cherish our time together. I have met even more wonderful people, Daichi, Aneki, Sugusugu-san, Marin, Maachan, Yuu, Ricky, Satsuki, Apryl, Jay, Yuki, Molly, my co-workers, and many more.

I have gotten to travel. Karizawa, Osaka, Sapporo, Nara, Chiba, Kawagoe, and most of the great tokyo area. I got to go to traditional restaurants, onsens (hot public bath) waterfalls, temples, festivals, parades, and gardens. I love spending my weekends listing to music, playing video games, studying japanese, going to cafes, and of course taking pictures. I have been to live concerts and still did photoshoots. I even got to see one of the cheer families from Seattle and see two of my friend from UNCC who live in Korea. These were all fantastic days.

So what is it like being a 'foreigner" (please keep in mind, this is my experience)

People always want to help me. Most people. I dont know why. Maybe its because I look clueless or something. I appreciate their kindness, despite sometimes I feel guilty that they are going out of their way to help me. Sometimes I will walk around the station while I am waiting for my tokyo train and I will study kanji and city names. People think I am lost and offer help. I dont want to say," uhmm thanks but no thanks", because it took a lot of courage to come talk to me and a good heart to want to help me. I have even had old women help me get on the bus because they thought I could read the sign. that was really nice gesture(even though its the same bus I have been taking 4 times a week for the last year)
The same is true in shops and cafes I go to. People remember me and what I order or what colours I like. If they think i cant understand, they try gestures and speaking english. on the occasion, I do get people that just want to come up at talk to me randomly, which kinda weirds me out. So I usually leave in my headphones and keep walking. They just want a free English lesson it seems.

And a lot has changed about me.
Japanese culture and language has become reality and not just a something 'cool to know' when I got here, I think I may have been kinda rude, I ran into everything, and all talking sounded like white noise if it wasnt English. Now I am much more aware of other people and space around me. I can understand a lot more of the language than before, and I always excited when I can. Some words and phrases I first think in japanese rather than English. I have become really into cleaning. Before I can admit, that I wasn't dirty, but I was very messy. I just am not very organized. And while I am still not organized, I know where everything is and in its place. I have let go of trying to make everyone like me, and am content with liking myself. I also have learned to eat by myself. Weird statement right? Before I could never eat in a restaurant alone. And while it still make me anxious, I keep trying it and its not so bad. In fact, I spend a lot of time actually alone. Being alone is my biggest fear. But the reason I am able to be ok with it is because my heart as finally accepted that when you are really loved, you are never alone. Its not about who is literally beside you, but those who will always be by your side. Those people carry you in their hearts and you carry them in yours. If you close your eyes and you remember that, you never are alone.

There were good days and bad days though. I missed being a coach and a photographer so much it hurt. I found out that I am not that good of a teacher. I dont have the heart. (solution: invest my heart in other places, and keep just enough kindness to be a decent teacher) I hate the train station at rush hour and it takes more peace than I have and I always get angry during that time. (solution: travel ANYTIME but then).

But I didnt give up. And while I still have a long way to go, this next year will be about life. Not just existing in japan, but about living in the world, as a functioning adult with ambition again. With my new friends and my love here in Japan, My family and friends stateside in my heart, I feel like I can do, just about anything.

So if you asked me today "How has your one year in japan been?" I would tell you
"Its been crazy beautiful year. Lets hope for a more peaceful one this year. "

wow I actually learned something in high school.

2011-04-21T07:06:00.000-07:00

I was going to write a blog about how dramatic I am and how much I hate drama. I was going to blog about how I feel about other people as if they cared enough to read this. I was going to blog about hypocrisy as a hypocrite.

But then I realized I am not a 14 year high school kid.

If you really want to know what I am talking about.. watch the new episode of glee. Night of neglect...
it talks about how people have become comfortable with insensitivity, due to the comfortably of not confronting the situation.

So with that said let us visit the very famous words of Carly Simon:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQZmCJUSC6g

See you cherry blossoms. Time for a change

2011-04-17T03:41:00.000-07:00

It's the start of a new week. The cherry blossoms came and went and still spring is beautiful in japan. I am enjoying my time sitting outside and blogging on the iPad.

Its given me time to think. Things had not been going so well. But after some good long talks and good long thoughts, I was able to work through them. I am ever so sorry to those I thought ill of who didn't deserve it. I am grateful that I am starting to see others true colours.

As I move forward, I am choosing not to take on anymore negativity and try my best to be a helpful active positive person here in japan instead of an oversensitive egotistical hater that I unfortunatly have witnessed way too many times since moving here. I too can say I fell into the same trap. But just not anymore.

I plan to keep focused on the real reason I came to japan

One of things I live doing the most in japan is walking. I spent hours walking just taking in all the beauty of the area. I always walk alone. I have never felt more alone in my life, yet I am finding a sense of peace. The next few month of adjusting and getting ready for the summer as well as a 28th birthday, will be tough, but it's time for a change.

I can't believe you are gone

2011-03-29T07:29:00.000-07:00

I always thought one day you'd call again. With each passing year I grew colder to the memories I shared with you. I wanted to forgive you and forget you, but I guess that never really happened. And now I am mourning the loss of you when I know I lost you a long time ago.

I have missed you and I think I always will now... Its just I wonder if I can ever really believe you are actually gone

I know this isnt the best goodbye as I am not sure if I believe it really is. But what I will cherish about you most will mean you will never really leave that part of my mind and heart.

Good bye Julie

why I love being a photographer

2011-02-05T21:10:00.000-08:00

And the older I get, the more the words my grandmother told me become more true. "Time passes so fast" and "the older you get, the more you notice the people around you leaving."

It is so easy to believe in youth that time is slow and the days couldn't finish fast enough till the mile markers we wish for. In our hurry to wear makeup, get that drivers license, go on a date, break the 10:30 pm curfew and drink our first legal beer, I wonder how many of us notice that the this means one less day our mom has to make us our favorite grilled cheese, one less day our dad will play 'smoke on the water' for 45 min on his guitar, one less day our grandparents will accept our christmas gifts of handmade jewelry and potholders, one less day our older siblings will be feel compelled to hug us when we cry, one less day our younger ones will need us when they cry, and one less day our friends will just be down the street ready to spend the afternoon climbing trees.

And when we being to see that 90 mile an hour life we waited for will not slow down, we try to apply the breaks. But surely it doesn't work. And we see the precious moments go by. We will miss the long nights we spent laughing with our roomate, watching the new puppy learn to sit, feeling butterflies in our stomach everytime he smiles at us, getting the job we worked so hard for, spending hours driving to see a favorite band in concert, seeing the children that touch our hearts begin their own journey and not being able to resist telling them to slow down.

This is why I love being a photographer. I have the chance to see my world all over again. And I love helping others see theirs.

Shinjuku at sunset

To facebook or not to facebook

2011-01-14T16:23:00.000-08:00

I spend a lot of time looking at facebook and sometimes its a bit hard on me because I miss my friends and family. I want to make the time count while I am in japan and make them all proud that I did my best.

Somedays I sit here for hours looking at profiles and pictures and wishing i was there. I have barely done anything since moving here and it has been 6 months.

The guilt is so intenses for me sometimes. I wish I was just hrs away, but I am not.
It breaks my heart when I read that the people I care about, I can't do anything for them when they post about hurting or being sad.

And I find myself growing into a more jealous person because of facebook. People with beautiful families, talking about their good fortune and their time doing all the things they love... and the things I love too. I just want to be happy for them like i was before, not jealous because they can do/have those things and I can not.

I grow to hate when people put up pages of crappy photos (you know like every photo from their camera even if it is blurry and then there is like 8 photos of the SAME thing in the same way) all over their page and they list they are into photography. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hi8A5bsbmUM

And I hate copycat wanna-bes photographers and people who use my pictures with out giving photo credit (this is in reference to my professional photos being used for music promotion, artistic expression, ect If I used your song or your words, you want me to credit you, right? This has nothing to do with portraits or fun pictures taken with friends).

Oh and I am happy people want to come and see me in Japan or hear about Japan or something, but when i rarely talk to the person or hear from them, then I get some message that they want something from me japan related (a network/connection, travel info, a place to stay when visit, ect) how am I suppose to feel? It makes me feel a little used, and if I say that, than they think I am being a jerk.
I dont mind helping my friends out, but if you are not really my friend, then why are you even on my facebook, asking me?

Lets add those super annoying facebook post that make NO sense with the purposefully bad spelling 'luvin mi lifez and mi peepz 4evea. h8ters can go on yall!" ...uhmmm I am already living in a country with a language I am trying to understand. Enough of that 'yall'.

Before it never bothered me. And it really shouldnt bother me now. So rather than letting a silly social networking site cause me unnecessary drama.

Stay tuned for more details....

Part 1: Catch up to the/from the Holidays

2010-12-31T03:16:00.000-08:00

Ok so I am very behind in my updates...
but let me try to sum it up in more pictures than words.. as I am sure you will appreciate

November came and went, leaving me with a cold every other week until I was hit by December and faced a horrible sinus infection.
And while it would have been all to easy to feel sad or lonely, it didn't hit me at all. Not only was December filled with a ton of work at school and some photowork, but I had so many wonderful new friends looking out for me. It was a blessing.

I found out the Christmas eve is not a time to go to church in Japan, but a time for boyfriends and girlfriends. Even though I had to work, I still made it to Kosukes, all dressed up and ready to enjoy christmas cake and mcdonalds fried chicken.

I was surprised and almost in tears when I opened my xmas gift from Kosuke. He got me a pearl bracelet from, not only my favorite jewelry store, but one I had seen before and really liked (he didn't even know that!)

It was such a great night. We watched A Christmas Carol, decorated the table, a sipped non-alcoholic champagne (since I worked the next day)

on Christmas Day, I had to work again, but after leaving work, I hurried to Shinjuku for a Christmas party that Kosuke's friend and sempai was having. I was very excited to go and meet everyone, as well as see my dear friend Moe and all the others I met that summer again.
They all made me feel welcomed and happy. I was really touched by how kind everyone was, even though I barely knew enough Japanese to get by.
The food was great, the company amazing, and the over all fun of the whole night was one I will never forget.

I feel truly blessed to have been so far from the states, yet still felt like I was home for Christmas in Japan. I will hold on to these memories always

In the next few blogs, I will be covering more in detail:
what was Christmas and new Years like in Japan and the cultural differences
Lydia, Yuri and I exploring Tokyo and Asakusa
Photoshoots : the Winter sessions in Japan
and The year of Tiger is over, welcome the year of the Rabbit

M'sh

2010-11-20T19:58:00.000-08:00

I had the wonderful privileged of photographing they vert talent (and very kind) M'sh. While calling them selves J-pop, their upbeat music is fun to dance to, but their stage show is hardly standing, smiling, and dancing as most pop groups are. They have a great presents and dare to say they remind me of many rock groups I have photographed. Knowing this kind of music and stage presents still lives on in the indie pop world gives my heart a sigh of relief. So please check out the photos and check out the group!!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ellenote/sets/72157625387027564/
http://www.geocities.jp/msh_infomation/

What a week

2010-11-20T19:51:00.001-08:00

So this week was parent observations in class (just floor classes this week, the little kids, next week is the big kids), and while people told me, the kids change, well... HECK YEAH THEY DO! It was like my quite good students turned into crazy, slam their head into a wall students.. and my talkative ones got quite as not to make a mistake in front of mom. Basically i felt like the worst teacher this week. I was even called the Devil by one of my older students because I said "New rule! don't speak Japanese in class or I will assign more homework" (by the way, i teach conversation class, so thats why the rule.. dont get me wrong, little talks to each other doesnt bother me, its when they ignore the class or say insults in japanese rather than doing the work that bothers me) But I just have to keep trying my best. You won't be everyone's favorite teacher, but you need to do the job you were hired to do, and look out for the best interest of the student and their education. Still though.. I was pretty discouraged...
Note the 'was' because I am a gemini and rarely dwell on one emotion for long. life is just to short, and since Japan spins faster than the rest of the world (so I believe) I really can't sit around being sad anymore, just I have to keep trying my best.

When working with kids

2010-11-14T07:26:00.000-08:00

Yes it is true, kids say the darndest things...
and they are 10 times funnier when they are trying to say them in broken English. I enjoy my time with my students.
I have one student who is my bff, so it seems. We have 3 classes a week together and everytime she comes to the school, she screams "DAMIE!" (she is like preschool age) she is the funniest kid ever. and everyclass she drives me crazy and makes me smile.

I had heard her practing a new question pattern "Whats your name" in her other class... so I asked her "Whats your name?" (her answer should have been I'm___) but she looked at me like "omg... how do you not know my name?!?!" and she slowly said her name for me as if I was senile. I about died laughing. later she tried to tell me a story in Japanese and I told her "I don't know" so she said it slower and louder for me. I wanted to say "uhmmm I dont understand what you said b/c you said it slower!" haha have you ever thought about how you do that to people who dont speak english? they aren't gonna just magically understand it because you sarcastically say it louder and slower. Something to think about....

Another great story about this kid is she walked around the school singing (tune of where is thumbkin) "Where is Damie, where is Damie? No no no, no no no." when she couldn't find me. Keep in mind I can rarely get her to do the lesson as she is more interested in doing gymnastics in the class room and jumping on me, but gosh she is one clever kid!

My students are really starting to feel more comfortable around me. I am at the point where I get lots of hugs from the little one, and lots of questions from the big ones. thats a pretty great feeling.
I had some students ask me about my hair.. they said "you got yellow hair... from texas?" I was like "uhmmm no. yellow, or blonde hair is not from texas" but they didnt understand what I said, just they seemed interested in my lion hair (I call it that b/c its big blonde/brown and so curly these days).

Kids are such interesting little people and every move you make could change how they see the world. What a responsibility it is and what an honor that someone in the world trust you enough to be in their child's life. Another thing to think about.

Come together, right now... over me

2010-11-14T07:12:00.000-08:00

ok so things are starting to come together for me after a very rude wakeup call. And when I say rude, I mean slap you in the face with a dirty sock kinda rude (not that this has ever happened to me and knock on wood it never will) but I imagine it would be very very rude.

After a very long talk with the person who seems to know my heart better than I do, I see that all the struggle I have been going though, all the depression, is because I have yet to truly commit to the decision I made. I spend all day (if not at school) checking facebook and watching american shows. I still know about what an infant knows as far as Japanese goes. Why me, as a person who desires companionship so much has made the foolish mistake of not even trying to learn the language of the country I am living in. And this dependency on other people makes me seem lazy, foolish, and a user.
He asked me "What is it that you really want in your life? what is your real dream? why did you come here?"

I can answer those things now.

And rather than shutting down and giving up like I have been, I have to take the risk. Maybe I will sound like an idiot when I speak Japanese, maybe I will get lost from time to time b/c I can't read the sign, and maybe I offend some people but purely by accident. But I have to learn some how.

And the world is starting to make a little more sense, even if I or the language doesn't always.

maybe you got the mental

2010-10-22T08:50:00.000-07:00

So after 2 doctors visit, in one week and 4000 yen worth of energy drinks and coffee, I can't seem to shake this tired feeling. all I want to is sleep. and i dont know why. it is so unlike me to feel this way.
but on top of my hair falling out, my skin hurting, my non stop stomach aches and my nails breaking, the dr. said its "Physically you have the ok. even the great. but maybe you got mental."
wow. Engrish that means I am crazy. but this actually made me laugh.

I had ventured to Roppongi with my friends and co-workers, Molly and Jacque. there is a clinic that is associated with John Hoppkins, so they are use to seeing foriengers. During our long wait, we went to the Fugi film and camera museum. It was super cool (even though I am pro Cannon) and we met an amazing photographer who does with film what I do with digital. Super high contrast, off angled photos.We first met his mother, and after Molly's translating skills my shameless self promotion, she got her son to talk to us. He was very excited to meet us, as we were to meet him. He gave us all a free copy of his book. I think he did that after Jacque said "I could look at your photos forever" Good job girls we make a great team! It was a great day and I was feeling much better. Then I went for the blood work only to find out I am mental. ha~

after all this, i realized what is wrong with me.

i refused to accept that my life is not the same. i expected japan to be a romantic exciting experience that would change me from the everyday. But I can see that i was really blessed that I spent last year being free. Now life is asking me to conform and start accepting life as a mature adult.

Facebook is a curse and a blessing. Blessing to stay intouch with those we may have lost, and a curse that for those who have left, will watch the world go on with out them. It is such a reality check.
I am so jealous of those who are still where I left a part of my heart. I am so tired of people telling me how they are jealous that I dont have anything holding me back so that I could go after these big adventures. Well you are wrong. It was so very hard to have a smile on my face as I walked away from all of them. I did have something I didnt want to let go, but I did because I know they will always be there, or at least in my heart.

And I have moments here and there when things feel normal or right. When I am taking funny pictures with Molly and Jacque, when I am talking over starbucks with Yuri, when I am talking with my parents on skype, when I chat with Jen, Lauren, and Renee, when I get an email from my Slants boys, while they are out rocking somewhere in the NW, when i ride on the back of kosukes bike late at night as we zip though the back streets of nakano....

Lets keep that head up. keep going. let go of what you can't control. and
just
for
once
be happy
for no one
other than
yourself

Deshou?

Canon in B (for Baby)

2010-10-15T20:45:00.000-07:00

This last week was pretty dramatic for me.
I am physically and mentally falling apart. My hair is breaking, my skin hurts, I keep gaining weight even though I try so hard to stop, my nails chip off, and I am always tired. I have a constant paranoia due to my height, weight, and my posture. so this has lowered myself esteem.
I faced having doubts in my relationships with the people in Japan and back home. I keep pushing people away or ignoring them, even though I dont want to. I have rare moments when I feel happy, but in general I feel nothing just wish for more sleep.
I had to visit the hospital by myself, which will be a whole blog story in itself I will tell later.
I finished some photos for a friend that everytime I looked at, brought me to tears. It was of their dog who recently became a new addition to heaven. It reminded me of a sweet old dog we lost many years ago, and my wonderful puppy I left in the USA.

But today

one of my students came with his little sister. She is almost 2 months old. Her name is Canon. Yes, like my camera and one of my fave songs of all time. His mom had her while I was here, so I have gotten to see her almost every Saturday. She is such a good baby and is usually asleep. She is so beautiful. I have never seen a japanese baby that little in real before. Today mom just handed her to me because she was awake. My heart melted as this tiny little baby laid her head on my shoulder. Everything about her just made my heart feel like nothing in this world was as precious as this moment.
Its these little moments, that make it all worth it.

As I write this, oddly enough the song with her name, came on.

Its my story Morning Glory

2010-10-07T18:12:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been feeling quite lonely. As expressed in previous blogs, I know that I am very lucky and very thankful for the people who are making time for me...but this autumn's nostalgia has been its strongest this year.

This morning I went on a walk.

As I was walking, listening to "I look to you" from Glee soundtrack, I noticed how often I walk with my head down. Looking at the steps I am taking, rather then where they are taking me.
There was this gentle, cool breeze that blew by my cheek and I looked up and forward.
At first the sun seemed so bright. I rubbed my eyes and and another breeze passed by making me turn my head to left. Moving the hair from blowing across my face, I noticed a gate.

It was covered in Morning Glorys. These are the flowers I remember most fondly of my childhood. I remember waking up early in the morning and going outside so I wouldn't miss seeing them open, growing on my mom's deck. My mom had an amazing garden, but it was these little flowers that I remember enchanted me. Purple, white, and light blue, they greeted the morning and me as well, with simple sweet beauty about them. When I would see them later in the day closed up and taking their well deserved rest, I would say "good night. see you in the morning"

This made me think my Grandma. She lost her fight to breast cancer many years ago one sad day in Sept. This time of the year, I like to take time to remember her and her beautiful smile. Just like these flowers, her smile makes me think of my childhood with her and how she always made me feel precious in this world. Even though our time together seemed too short, she always stay with me.
So I saw the gate a dawned with these lovely little purple flowers. So simple and their time here is so fleeting, but how lucky I was to be see them even if only for a short time.

This was when i noticed i tears in my eyes. like a simple joy i didnt know how to express. And I didn't feel so lonely. I closed my eyes for a second, smiled and began walking home.

This was when I noticed

I was walking with my head up.

A good camera does not make you a good photographer

2010-10-05T06:48:00.000-07:00

I get asked a lot what kinda camera do I use and ect. For my friends and former clients, I don't have issues with talking about this. In fact, I enjoy helping them out and finding the right camera for them and would love the chance to hang out with others who love photography!

but here is my claimer to all the others who I don't know and can't figure out why they ask:

Just because you take a few good pics here and there doesn't mean you should go out and buy pro gear. Ok if you have the money than by all means, but just because you ask me what I did or what I use, doesn't mean you can do it too. It's insulting to think that just by owning what I have, you can do what I do. I don't walk up to other photographers, musicians, painters, actors, athletes, or models and start assuming that they bought their talent.

I am an artist. I am good at editing and have some natural appeal to my work.
I started with a simple camera and I earned my better gear.
I don't try. I just do it. And sometimes people like it, and sometimes they don't.

But to those "wanna be"s
If you want to have a good camera thats great for the camera business. And i am all for supporting the arts and creative outlets. But find yourself and your own eye. Because you can have the best camera in the world and know every detail of it, and still your pictures lack soul then maybe you need to find you before finding the credit card.

Maybe i am being a bit harsh, but I am just being honest. I am far from great, but then why did you ask me in the first place.

The not so deep side of me: Going crazy/beautiful

2010-09-25T09:01:00.000-07:00

I wrote this the other day, but I am gonna post it now... since I was very very lazy lately.

So let me tell you about the things that are not so deep or meaningful about life.

I can be the nicest person, or the biggest princess sometimes

Japan has made me try to be a more considerate person, however, I am told on a daily basis that it is MORE considerate to just do and don't ask if you can or should. While this is starting to make sense, sometimes it JUST doesn't! For example... When you are at someones house (not family) and they have been cooking, you should just do the dishes without asking about it. Yes that's nice gesture, but personally that would make me feel like crap and I don't want someone washing my dishes anymore than I want them cleaning my toilet. I can do that.

Oh and dont get me started about the whole "people running into you and they DON'T say I am sorry" uhmmm never mind, I already got myself started. I am like "REALLY?!?!?" but while I feel like saying something, I do not.

And I have days when I need personal space, and this means I shouldn't be shopping in Tokyo. seems like every one hits me, or gets in my way OR STOPS IN THE MIDDLE OF A SEA OF PEOPLE TO TEXT 5 SMILEY FACES TO THE CO WORKER THAT JUST BOUGHT A NEW PAIR OF SHOES OR SOMETHING ELSE THAT DOESN'T REQUIRE STOPPING LIKE 50 PEOPLE AND NOW THEY HAVE TO GO AROUND YOU. blah! Sometimes I am just mutter things in english really fast so I dont end up losing my patients. Then it would be... JAMIE SMASH! haha not really.. but I feel that way

While we are at it, I love that people want to speak english to me, but I am weird out a bit when they say things like "I see you in here before. I noticed you. Where are you from?" I am like "uhhhhh ok. and USA can I just have my coffee now?" Oh and apparently here I am "Cute" lots of people say I am "So cute" or "Like a doll" thats cool right?!?
hmmm I dont know. But I have become totally obsessed with my appearance here. I am always thinking about my skin and my weight and my hair. Oh well the last two were already true... but the skin is a new one. I looked in the mirror and thought GOSH I AM LOOKING OLD! two years ago, I was still being carded... now people don't even look twice. (both japan and USA) so thanks to my fear of growing old before I am, now i have this 10-20 min face regiment I do everyday.

Anyways, here is the side of me that is not so great, but hey, as marilyn monroe said:

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

oh yeah and tell me this is not the best sign ever....

"when I count my blessings, I count you twice"

2010-09-25T08:26:00.000-07:00

I heard this quote from a friend, and later found out it is part of a song. I think its really great.

So lately I have been having a lot of problems adjusting to life.

I noticed that for almost a year, I was living a very strange life as a cheer coach, a rec assistant at a health club, and a photographer. I worked when I wanted to, I slept when I wanted to, and because of my careful saving, I could buy what I wanted to. I had a long distance relation with everyone. My boyfriend (in Japan), my family (in NC and OH) , and my closest friends (in Portland).
The only ones who had to deal with me on a regular basis was my cheerleading family who was just that, a family that cared when I was sick, to listen when I was down, to encourage me when I think I just didn't have anything left, and to inspire me to try for my best always. The other was the girl who by random chance, is my best friend in the whole world. I think of her as more family than friend. How very grateful I am to her the many times she forgave me when I couldn't even forgive myself. (I miss you Jennifer.)
But over that time, I didn't notice a lot of things. I was so ready to go on this new adventure, I didn't truly think about how it was going to feel to be away from the people, places, and things that meant so much to me. I didn't notice how hard it would be to hand over the title of Coach and to think that I couldnt be there to see all their hard work pay off. I didn't think about how close I had become with my parents that it would literally hurt to not be able to call them. I didn't think how much I wish I could be there when my boys and my fave band, were rocking out in Seattle.

But gosh how lucky am I that I have all of them. Still, even on the other side of the world....

And lets not forget about all the amazing people that are here in Japan.

All my wonderful little students. Even today, we reviewed the letter L. When I said "L says LION!" and I roared, they ran away laughing. then when I said "L says LOVE" they ran back to me and gave me hugs. What a precious moment I will remember always.

I love my co-workers. They are such incredible people and always there to help. I was told "remember this is your job and chances are in Japan, your co-workers probably won't think of you as anything but another co-worker. They won't want to get to know you and they won't care about you unless it effects work". How happy I am that these warnings were wrong. Each one of them has such a great personality.

I want to spend more time with my old friends and new friends here in Japan, so I have just to make time for that. I promise I will.

And last, but not least, Kosuke.
I really love this boy. Japan has made me like a 14 year old again. I feel fat, awkward, and stupid. but even though I have become this person weird person who sleeps all the time, sits in the dark watching the lights outside the window, dances alone in my apartment, and has big curly hair.. he still loves me. He told me "I already decided. I'll love you forever"

This is why I can say. "When I count my blessings, I count you twice" actually more like 10 times... ^_^

I am living

2010-09-04T20:47:00.000-07:00

The other day, I was sitting at the Kita-Omiya train station, waiting for my train to take me to Omyia, then to Tokyo. It was night and I didn't see anyone else around. Despite the roaring winds of the speedy trains, it seemed rather quiet. Actually rather peaceful. It wasn't too hot that evening. As I was sipping on my cold green tea, it hit me. No, not a train so don't ask. There was this sudden feeling of excitment and emptiness.

Wow, I am living in Japan. I am not visiting. I am living. And each day I wake up and walk to get breakfast. I am living. And everytime I go to school and get all my stuff ready for the day. I am living. And when I go eat converbelt sushi with Molly, I talk about the weekend with manger, I spend the day shopping with Yuri, I meet new people and try my best to speak broken Japanese, I sing "hows the weather" with my students while twirling a ribbion wand, I stand on the train trying to figure out 'whats that smell!?!, I ride a bike with Kosuke, I go to sleep on my floor bed....... I am living.

And also I am living without. I often wonder why it was so easy to leave behind so many people that I love... but I realized that I didn't leave them behind, they are with me everyday and in everything I do. Their love and well wishes have made me feel strong enough to be living not without, rather living apart. I talk about them everyday. I never forget that without them, I am nothing. (If you are reading this my family, my friends, and my cheerleader family, I really do love you all and miss you!!!!)

And while I do get those moments of homesickness, there are somethings that are very comforting. Molly took me to find a gym! Yes, finally some routine in my life! While we were out, we got Subway and I could eat turkey again!!!! I think my body was so happy. And it tasted just like in the states (but they offer basil potato fries, not chips, which are SOOO much better). I also love that my manager and co-workers take time to talk to me. I know I am a bit of a talker (understatement maybe), and maybe I talk fast, but even just those little efforts mean the world to me.

Day before yesterday, I found out that little girl cheerleading is really popular in my area of Japan!! So my manager has suggested maybe I can teach a 4 part class of cheering in English as an extra class!!! This made me so excited!!! Everyone at the school knows how important the Liberty Belles and the Bellevue club cheerleaders are to me. Everyday, I wear the charms they gave me ^_^

This week I get a phone. I get internet. I get my gym membership.

I am living.

Just because I think this has to be one of the best songs I have ever heard

2010-08-29T20:50:00.000-07:00

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I' ve had, just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I've
Never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand, there's a
Boy here in town says he'll, love my forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and Ill wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin
Funny when your dead how people start listening

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need them, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls

Dear food in Japan

2010-08-21T18:04:00.000-07:00

Dear food in Japan,

We have amazing relationship. I love you very much. Ramen and Japanese bbq (grilled veggies and meat) are incredible. You have eggs in so many things. And I think it is just fantastic. I have not found a desert I didn't like about you and green tea is one of God's best gifts to man. My stomach aches have gone from everyday, to once a week, with NO medication. I don't know how you do it, or how I truly lived with out you before.
However, we need to talk. Your high sodium and frequent onion appearance has put a strain on our relationship. I am already so shy to order food, let alone even think to ask for customizing my order like "no onions" or "dressing on the side" or "no cheese". I can go to Starbucks. That's about it.
Add in I can not read your nutrition facts and I often think I don't want to ruin this for me by uncovering your secrets.
In Japan, I am already a giant, towering over most people and refusing to wear heels because of it. Now I want to expand my clothing horizons in Japan, not my pants size. But your delicious ways have put a spell on me.
I want this relationship to really work, so here is my compromise with you. I will keep walking my 2 miles, find a gym, and resist late night ice cream runs if you come half-way with me.
If you stop temping me with your beautiful and interesting restaurants and your terrific smells. Well weekdays at least. Weekends will be our quality time together.

Sincerely, your loyal fan,
Jamie.

oh yeah and maybe, just around me, lets keep the seafood with eyes to a minimum. Jumping out of my chair at the restaurant is both embarrassing and makes me look like I somewhat slow and possibly 5 years old.

Be careful.... Because they are chasing dragons. Karuizwa

2010-08-17T09:06:00.001-07:00

After a hard, yet wonderful month of training and finding my footing in Japan.. I took my first vacation with Kosuke to Karuizawa. A beautiful place near Nagano out in the countryside. We stayed at a pension. Similar to like a bed and breakfast, but they do dinner there too. Here is how the trip went

Day one: I am official here! Got my Foreigner card! Looks like a license, but is much alot cooler looking I think. Then Kosuke came to my place for the first time since I moved here. He is a boy after my own heart! As soon as he got here, we went and got snacks and played Wii till we both fell a sleep. Next morning, we got our stuff together and set out for Karuizawa. We got to the train station and for the first time, I FORGOT MY CAMERA BATTERY! wow. So we took at taxi back to the apt and made it just in time to catch our train.

The train ride was just about 1 hr long.

Karuizawa was more beautiful than I could have imagined. And there happened to be a storm coming, but that was the next day, so the sky was blue and sunny, with big dark clouds coming over the mountains.. its my favorite kind of day. It's what I believe heaven looks like. Tokyo and Omiya have been so hot and humid, but Karuizawa was actually cool and there was a nice crisp breeze.

The pension owners picked us up at the train station and then we got our room, put up our stuff and went to go see the shopping area. Kosuke said we could take bikes, but I didn't know if I even knew how to ride a bike still. But they are right, you don't forget. And the next part is truly and experience I will never forget ether. We rode a tandem bike. yep... a two person bike, which apparently this was one of the few places in japan you can ride one at! It was so much fun bike riding at sunset with my love.

That evening, we had the most amazing japanese bbq. I have found that while I love meat cooked on the bbq, I actually love the veggies more. Usually I don't like grilled veggies, but these were incredible!! and I intend to keep eating them every bbq place we go! (and the meat too. wouldn't want to let down a certain meat lover back in portland! lol!)

At night there was a candle light ceremony at a local church. Beautiful, romantic, and inspiring. We listened to a hand bell concert as we walked hand in hand looking at all the candles. We lit candles in the church and kosuke said "now you make a wish" I smiled at this. I told him "You can say a prayer. or yeah, you can make a wish too" There is something about him that has this kind, childlike heart that I think is so rare and so amazing.

That night, we got to go the onsen at the pension and there was shooting stars that night. What a perfect way to end an amazing day.

The next day, we went to a near by waterfall. Which was up this winding road that my, nor kosuke's stomach was very fond of. We played "guess the song" to distract us from the bumpy bus ride. when we got there it was crowed, but just so beautiful. I felt really special to be there, because there was like maybe 2 other foreigners there.. kinda felt like this special treasure to be there. We got some roasted corn and fresh cucumbers. Luckily, it was not hot there so we could enjoy our time there without feeling to tired. (me and kosuke get tired fast, so we don't make it far most the time) After that, we went shopping at the old shopping area, We got our souvenirs there and I got to shop at the Ghibli store! (for those of you who know Miuzaki films, I got a Totoro pencil case and I got a handkerchief for Kosuke ^_^! I just have to remember to find another store so I can get something for Jen old roomie who loved these films!)

While walking around, two dragonflies flew by us. I said to Kosuke "Look at the dragonflies! so pretty!" He said "Be careful" I asked why. He replied "Because they are chasing dragons." There was something about those words that really special to me. I kept thinking about this. I asked him later about it and he told me he wasn't kidding. which made me smile once again. It's hard to explain why I loved this. "Be careful... because they are chasing dragons." but I think for that moment, I sort of felt like those dragonflies at times in my life. Chasing something so beautiful, yet so dangerous, but its what I was meant to be doing. No matter how hard it might be. And maybe there really is no one that knows exactly what I am doing, or why I have to do it, but its a part of me. So now, that's the name of my photo blog about my life in Japan.

Well enough of the words..
Here are the photos!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ellenote/sets/72157624745564194/with/4901674626/

2010-07-31T17:05:00.000-07:00

I read this quote today

"Imagine a puddle waking up one morning and thinking, 'This is an interesting world I find myself in, an interesting hole I find myself in, fits me rather neatly, doesn't it? In fact it fits me staggeringly well, must have been made to have me in it!' This is such a powerful idea that as the sun rises in the sky and the air heats up and as, gradually, the puddle gets smaller and smaller, it's still frantically hanging on to the notion that everything's going to be alright, because this world was meant to have him in it, was built to have him in it; so the moment he disappears catches him rather by surprise. I think this may be something we need to be on the watch out for."

This is a very interesting to me. Because this is how I felt in Seattle. But while this puddle found itself evaporating from the NW and then arriving in Japan, I think I now feel that this is just where I needed to be.

My job is amazing. I enjoy everyday at work and I think it is a great fit for me. I love my students and I guess students all think my classes are fun. The teacher that was before me was so very good, but I hope to live up to her quality of education, but though my own personality.

There is 2 little girls I am so very happy that signed up for classes with me! They are 3 and 5 years old (I think) and so cute! One is a new student who took my trial lesson and signed up! Yep my first week I got a new student! The second is a little girl whose brother comes to my school and she always comes to play with me.

Sometimes I am worried that I am "Talking too much" or "Not talking enough" when It comes to my staff, but I am told not to worry about it. I always try to be as helpful as I can be. They are always so kind to me and I love working with all of them.

To be honest, I was a bit afraid to return to a normal work place after the really hard last year at my last regular job. Being told to do one thing... then told to change it... but not being told how or why... then later being told "hey 14 years of volunteering and 3 years of hard work and giving everything you got isn't enough for us to come up with 7 reason over the last month why you should leave." (FYI: it was not my boss or any of the staff I get a long with there that said these things, rather the ones who had a personal and professional problem with me. Professional, I can deal with... personal, well that's their maturity and karma they have to deal with.)

But bitter I am not. Because if it wasn't for the person who gave me the chance at that company, I would not have had so many amazing opportunities later, including the recommendation they gave me that got me this job in Japan. He has my thanks and appreciation always.

So like I was saying, I think I was meant to be here. Everyday is a challenge for me and everything is a puzzle. But I am learning and thanking the powers that be, that I took so many years of sign language and miming so I am able to understand body language while I try to figure out this incredibly hard, yet beautiful language!

My apartment is so cool!
When I change the heat on the water temp in my apartment... it TALKS to me! It tells me it changed it! how cool!
I have a deep bathtub! Finally wickedly long legs can be covered! Its like having a mini pool!
I have a normal toilet, but Kosuke has a super toilet which I think is so amazing (Later I will explain super toilet and why one shouldn't just push buttons on super toilet with out knowing what they do!)
I live near the JOHN LENNON MUSEUM!!! yes... here in japan...NEAR my apartment! OMG OMG OMG. I can't wait to go!
I love taking public transportation and other than the occasional smashing into other people, it's really great.
So far, I have had one stomach ache since being in japan. Stomach aches are an everyday thing for me state side. Here, I can eat (and sorta have to) 3 meals a day and be ok!
And the list goes on, but this blog is getting too long... so I'll ended it here!

Don't worry.. pictures will be up soon! until then, here is a pic of me and kosuke, followed by an extremely attractive picture of my cousin Ren, Uncle Frank and Beans(Will)

2010-07-25T20:15:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my blog!

Ok so maybe many people say that. But I really mean it!

I don't really know if anyone wants to read about my thoughts, feelings, or adventures... but if you do, then I promise I will try to fill it full of things worth reading. None of this: Went to the store. Bought a salad. Wanted a burger. Got a cupcake. I hate rain. I lost my sock. Now I will sleep blogging.

So, I guess I should start a somewhat the begining.

Hi! I am 'Elle'. This is my photography-pen name you could say. Funny story how I came up with it, but we will save that for another time.

I am a complicated person and a genuine Gemini... so to sum it up: I am a multi award-winning singer/songwriter who dedicated the last 14 years to Cancer Philanthropic ventures. I recently retired from performing live music and have had a rising career as a music photographer. I also work as a cheerleading coach, which is one of the best things in my life. I enjoy working with children and have loved my time as a recreational assistant at a local health club. Lots of people will say to me "Are you just good at everything?" I say "No, not at all. I just try. I have one life on this earth as me, why not make it the most fulfilling life I can?"

Here have been my jobs/careers:
Hostess @ a mexican restaurant, Hostess at a chain restaurant, Hostess at a sushi restaurant, Music retail sales associate, Fashion stylist in retail (it means sales associate, but they called it that for some reason), Technical assistant, Administrative Manager, Executive assistant, Coach, Recreational assistant, Graphic designer, Musician, Photographer, and Teacher.

Though there is awards and recognition, what I am most thankful and proud of is that I have a lots of love in my life from my wonderful family, amazing friends, and a loving boyfriend
I was born in Akron, Ohio. I have lived in Iowa, Oklahoma, Georgia, North Carolina, Washington, and now Japan. Maybe you want to know why?

My dad has an adventurous personality (Iowa, Oklahoma, Georgia, and North Carolina were all his ideas) and wouldn't you know it, I inherited that in my personality. (Seattle, Washington and Omiya Japan are my idea!)

Why am I in Japan?
I am here teaching English at an amazing school designed for practicing and immersing students in English with Native English Teachers. This is something I wanted to do since 2006, but I never had the confidence in myself. Then comes along Kosuke. Remember this name well, because you will see it a lot... He is my heart. We were pen pals for a year, then found we had feelings for each other. After meeting in Japan, I knew he was made just for me. He made me feel like I could do anything I wanted with my life. Anyone that can help you find that confidence in yourself is truly a precious gift.

There is a lot more to say, but this is good for now.